Calender Purchasing Anxiety

A lot has been made about this year's Winter Solstice.

That annual visitation by the Winter Solstice Oak King.  Yes, that's a thing.

And it's not just because it's the longest night of the year.

Well, second longest if you're a Mets fan who sat through this snooze-fest.

But because it's the night that marks the END OF THE WORLD.

Because a giant space snake is going to swallow the Earth whole! Maybe, possibly, probably not.

Okay, probably that won't happen.

But you never know.  Very few people believed Adam Sandler could star in a worse movie than Jack and Jill and he pulled it off, so maybe the space snake is a go.

But can you really blame the Mayan people for panicking?  Their calender spans over 5,000 years.  Getting a new one is a huge deal.

To put it in perspective the last time your calender was coming to an end, Gangnam Style wasn't a thing. 

Now it is.

 The last time the Mayan calender came to a close, the alphabet wasn't a thing.

And neither was Ben Franklin.

Think about how anxious you are when you have to replace something you've had for a while.  Now pretend you come from a civilization in which the notion of human sacrifice wasn't off the table.  The anxiety would be off the charts.

On the Nigel Tufnel scale, their anxiety was an eleven.

So, let us do the world a favor. Grab the closest Mayan to you, give them a hug.  And in a calm, soothing voice, direct them to their nearest on-line calendar store.

Perhaps the Angry Birds calendar would appeal to them.

Election Day Eve Activities

Two days from now those of us who don't get to vote early...

My brother voted early.  He's shown here in his spiffy jean-jacket.

...get to choose who will be President of the United States for the next four years.

Also many Senators, but I don't like talking about them since they tried to break Mr. Smith's spirit.  Long story.

Which leaves us one day to do something nice and calming before (potentially... according to many pundits on both sides of the political spectrum) Armageddon is upon us.

Surely these images can't BOTH be wrong...

So I've taken it upon myself to come up with a list of three things a person can do in the time they have left before the End of Days.

1.  Drink a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue Label Scotch

Because we all deserve liquor that comes with its own coffin before the end of the world.  Sure it's $200 a bottle, but what are you saving your money for at this point? 

2. Hit the Gym.

There are going to be an awful lot of people in the line to meet St. Peter, not to mention hundreds of angels.  And let's just say that Pete won't be the only one judging you, so work off some of that flab.

3.  Eat Something Delicious

Even a condemned prisoner gets a last meal

Have a happy election, everybody!*

*It is impossible for more than 52% of people to actually have a happy election, but it's the thought that counts.

Helping Out My Indecisive Friends

You probably know an election is taking place next week.

I'm a big fan of the Starks, but can't agree with Robb's policy of marrying foreigners.

Alas, we must choose between Romney and Obama instead.

For now.  I'm preparing bumper stickers for Dinklage's run for office in 2016.

 

Now, I've made my decision and don't really understand why people are having problems.  It seems pretty clear cut, whichever side of the coin you're on.  But people are still picking through the options.  Perhaps they are hoping one of the toads will turn into a prince.

Perhaps even a fresh prince.

But that's not going to happen.  So, I'm here to help you make a choice.  Obviously policy issues haven't done it for you, so I'm going to take you down an unconventional path.

Where you can go BOTH ways (wink, wink.)

So, stare at the following picture for thirty seconds.  Not one second more.  Not one second less.  Are you ready?

Okay, The timer starts...

Now.

All right.  Now, this image will haunt your dreams tonight.  So leave a pen and piece of paper by your bed.  When you wake up in a cold sweat jot down what happened and take the following actions:

1.  If this guy killed you, vote Republican because you are afraid we are weak in defense.

2.  If you kill this guy, vote Democrat because you support progressive policies.

3.  If you and he end up making sweet, sweaty love, go to Canada, because you are deviant.

There you are!  A simple, foolproof way to make a decision.  You're welcome.

Everyone has an opinion, here's mine

So, this is my first post in this blog, a new blog to Blogger (though I had a blog of the same-ish name) over at WordPress.

The obvious question is: why the move?

The answer: why not?

In truth I find it easier to change formats, styles, everything in a new place.  And it's not as though I'm leaving a huge following behind.  

This blog will have humor, opinion, writing samples, confessions, basically anything that might strike me as interesting.  To wit:

Interesting.

 

 

Interesting.

Interesting.

Not interesting at all.

So, welcome. I hope someone out there likes it.